“Narcissistic parents experience the child as an extension of themselves. Children of narcissistic parents will experience themselves as extensions of their parents, and, like their parents, will not understand the dynamic in play. If you are an extension of another person, is it possible to fully experience self-will?”

From When Your Parent Is a Narcissist

In an article on NBC News, Danielle Page explores harmful relationship patterns such as ghosting and gaslighting. Page writes that naming and identifying the behaviors are the first steps to moving on. Page quotes Dr. Christine Selby, Ph.D. who says:

“‘…knowing there is a name for the behavior means that there were many others who also engaged in the bad behavior. In fact, there were so many others the behavior was named. Those on the receiving end of the bad behavior often feel better when they learn they were not the only ones who were victims. This can further help victims feel like they are not alone and aren’t ‘crazy.'”

Read “Ghosting, gaslighting, orbiting: How putting a name to a bad behavior can help you heal” here

Learning to listen to myself makes me better able to see that there are good, strong, valuable things about me that the narcissist claimed for himself or herself. Only a wounded person—the narcissist—would be able to claim what was mine without caring how it would hurt me.

My deeper self is is always accessible to me. This is one of the truest gifts of my recovery.

Adapted from Surviving the Narcissist: 30 Days of Recovery

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Bianca Vivion Brooks explains her decision to quit social media. In the piece featured in the New York Times, Brooks writes:

Though I thought disappearing from social media would be as simple as logging off, my refusal to post anything caused a bit of a stir among my small but loyal following. I began to receive emails from strangers asking me where I had gone and when I would return. One message read: “Not to be over familiar, but you have to come back eventually. You’re a writer after all. How will we read your writing?” Another follower inquired, “Where will you go?”

The truth is I have not gone anywhere. I am, in fact, more present than ever.

Over time, I have begun to sense these messages reveal more than a lack of respect for privacy. I realize that to many millennials, a life without a social media presence is not simply a private life; it is no life at all: We possess a widespread, genuine fear of obscurity.

Read “I Used to Fear Being a Nobody. Then I Left Social Media” here

Denial can be a kind of protective shock absorber, a part of the grieving process when something important ends. When the qualities of denial overextend, when I inadvertently label it “hope” or call it “trying harder to make things work”, I masquerade my attempts because I’ve not been ready to make a change. Even though the relationship is getting worse, and I’m increasingly unhappy in it, I keep trying. 

Today I will do something different.

I ask myself if “trying harder” has distracted me from seeing what I don’t want to see. Today I am not afraid of the answer.”

Adapted from Surviving the Narcissist: 30 Days of Recovery

Hold off on confronting the narcissist until you understand why you’re doing it, and what you expect from the confrontation. Confrontation can put the n into attack mode. The more aware you become, the better you will be about making an informed decision.

Adapted from Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved

If one cannot experience love, is an “I love you” even possible?

Dear [____],

You’re my favorite. My star.

You hold the key to the universe that is me. 

Actually, right now I hold the key. 

And I promise to give it to you. 

When I’m ready. 

I’ll never be ready.

It’s cute how you try.

And try.

Your unswerving devotion to me no matter what I do or say.  

It makes me care about your struggles. 

As a means of using them to fuel my power over you.

I just want the best for me.

Therefore, the first thing you need to do is tell me what I need. 

It better be correct. 

Don’t fuss. You can’t become my star if you fuss. You can’t have the key to the universe that is me, either. That’s what you want, isn’t it?  That’s what you should want. Believe me when I say that others want it—and don’t dare ask me to prove it.

Don’t overestimate your value, dear. 

You are not that special.

I’m your parent so your faults are very obvious to me. 

That’s what parents are for—to point out, to notice, and help their children fix their problems.
I care about you more than you care about yourself…and about me. That’s what really hurts. And that you think you’re better than me.

I have news for you: you’re needy, sensitive, and a bossy, manipulative know-it-all. 

I’m worried about you and it’s my job as a parent to let you know.

But I don’t deserve this; I did not sign up for this. When I brought you into the world, into my family, into my life, I expected you to be better than this. I can’t accept it. 

Or you.

Now, now, don’t look so sad and defeated. You need help. All right, you need my help. No, no, I’m not going to walk away from you now. Whatever gave you that idea?

Stop asking me if I love you. It’s a foolish question. You’re my child. When you make me feel worthwhile I love you more than I love myself. Your siblings don’t understand me because they are selfish and immature. You’ve gotten over that. You’ve transcended yourself. You’re so adult. You’re the good child. I know you’ll never leave me. 

My very own little star that shines on me.

Signed, Your Parent 

—Meredith Gordon Resnick

Adapted from: WHEN YOUR PARENT IS A NARCISSIST: Uncovering origins, patterns, and unconscious dynamics—to help you grow and let go
Copyright 2016 Meredith Gordon Resnick

Game Over image credit: Gerd Altmann via Pixabay https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

This article offers an insightful look into closure and forgiveness. In particular, author Bobbi Dempsey writes about choosing not to reconcile with her abusive father at the time of his death:

“Being pressured or forced to reconcile with an abusive figure just because they are dying, or to attend the funeral of a person who inflicted abuse and trauma on them can often end up feeling like a cruel form of group-gaslighting…Doing so means essentially erasing the trauma, abuse, or mistreatment suffered at someone else’s hands. So, please, though you might mean well, don’t do that to anyone. It just adds more emotional pain and stress to what they’re already carrying.”

“From the narcissistic parent’s point of view, the child is a vehicle to temper their own intense fears.  The parent unconsciously turns to the child to fill the dark and cavernous hole inside. This dark hole, the bottomlessness of it, frightens the narcissist parent and eventually the child. Tethered to the dynamic, however, the child tends to the hole in a multitude of ways (none of which actually fill or mend or address the hole) where the parent left off.”

Adapted from When Your Parent Is a Narcissist