My books have helped thousands to step back, and away, from the damaging effects of a narcissistic person, whether it’s a present-day relationship or one that has haunted them from the past. Now, they may help you, too.
Maybe you love one. Or work for one. Maybe you’re related to one. Or were raised by one. Whatever the relationship, you’ve likely been hurt by the narcissist in your life.
“If you have a narcissistic parent, don’t blame yourself but do take responsibility for trying to negotiate with the “role” you’d actually like to vacate. There is no “negotiating.” Be cordial, but try to avoid making nice because it serves to strengthen the dysfunction. You’ll be putting energy back to the mess you are trying to withdraw from.”
Adapted from When Your Parent Is a Narcissist
“As we pull away from the emotional effects of the narcissist, we may feel lonely and sad. The anxiety can feel as intense as when the narcissist was still in our life. But these feelings will ease as we heal and take care of ourselves.” Adapted from Surviving the Narcissist: 30 Days of Recovery
In an article on The Cut, Aubri Juhasz breaks down the similarities and differences between anxiety and stress. Juhasz explains:
“Symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder include ongoing feelings of worry or anxiety, restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, and sleep problems. The most important word here is ongoing: When they’re triggered by specific stressors, like a looming deadline or an important decision, these feelings are a normal part of life. But once the stressor ends, so should the stress.”
Read “Am I Suffering From Anxiety or am I Just Stressed?” here
“When you are first coming out of denial, the anxiety spills over. Denial, to some extent, thwarts anxiety about the original issue of concern. But it also causes its own set of secondary anxiety due to all the issues that have remained unaddressed.” Adapted from When Your Parent Is a Narcissist
In a blog post featured on Psychology Today titled “What Are Your Thought Triggers?” Jeffrey S. Nevid Ph.D., ABPP describes the concept of “thought triggers” and how emotions like anxiety and anger impact our thoughts. Nevid writes:
“Feeling your thoughts doesn’t mean that thoughts are felt in the same way you feel a pinprick on your arm or the touch of a feather. Rather, it means recognizing the interconnections between thoughts and feelings—how behind every emotion lies a thought that triggers it. Feeling angry? What’s the thought driving it? You need to be angry with someone or about something. You can’t be angry about nothing or while keeping your mind blank. Underlying the felt experience of anger are thoughts about being treated unfairly and not being able to stand it when people are treated this way…Emotions do not occur in a mental vacuum. Dig a little deeper and you’ll find a thought tethered to your emotional responses…”
Read the post including a helpful exercise for identifying triggers here
In healthy development, the parent “exists” for the sake of the child. With the narcissistic parent, the child “exists” for the sake of the parent.
You may be the child of a narcissist if you’ve been:
Fleetwood Mac’s 1975 song “Over My Head” depicts a tumultuous, yet alluring relationship. In the lyrics, Christine McVie echos how one might feel when they’re dealing with a narcissist. In particular, the metaphor of an ever-changing circus wheel certainly reflects the “hot and cold” and “off and on” aspect of a narcissist’s behavior.
You can take me to paradise,
And then again you can be cold as ice
I’m over my head,
But it sure feels nice.
You can take me anytime you like,
I’ll be around if you think you might love me baby,
And hold me tight.
Your mood is like a circus wheel,
You’re changing all the time,
Sometimes I can’t help but feel,
That I’m wasting all of my time.
Think I’m looking on the dark side,
But everyday you hurt my pride,
I’m over my head,
But it sure feels nice,
I’m over my head,
But it sure feels nice.’
Check out a live 1976 version here featuring excellent harmony by Stevie Nicks, Lindsey Buckingham and Christine McVie.
At any age, the parent-child relationship can be fraught with emotion. We all grow up, but when it comes to certain patterns with a parent, it can be hard to let go even when we say we want to—or need to. Whether you hate or love your parent, the fact is these original relationships are a body of work you’ve studied and turned over and examined with all your heart and soul. You’re attached and invested, even though it’s toxic.
And something else—the you in those parent-child relationships.
Who is (and was) that person?
As the child of a narcissist, you may feel like you’ve spent a lifetime trying to understand how your parent feels. You may have learned to tilt your world to track them as though they are the satellite and you need their signal to survive.
However, your “survival” depended upon their satisfaction with you. When you track (in other words, feed their ideal self) to their satisfaction, you might be rewarded with a compliment, a gift, or the slightest feeling that maybe, just maybe, you two were starting to connect.
Then again, maybe you weren’t rewarded. Even though you thought you were tracking the right satellite, it’s possible that your parent threw away that particular satellite (in other words, persona) without telling you. Turns out, you were reading the wrong the signal the entire time. And sadly, you were probably the one who felt a bit foolish.
Adapted from When Your Parent Is A Narcissist
To get attention, a narcissistic parent might say:
In a project at Arizona State University, researchers analyzed data and conducted studies determining how parent-child and caregiver relationships and attachment styles impact a child’s self-regulation skills. Kimberlee D’Ardenne quotes Nancy Eisenberg, Regents’ Professor of psychology who says:
“Although differences in children’s self-regulation are partially due to biological factors, including genetics, the environment also plays a big role. Self-regulation can also be affected by the caregiving relationship, and the security of a caregiving relationship can be improved through interventions that train parents to be more responsive and sensitive to their children.”
Read the findings here
“If you are the child of a narcissist, you may have grown accustomed to a parasitic relationship. A toxic parent-child dynamic creates a blueprint from which you unconsciously build other relationships… Once you understand how you replay these patterns, you can begin to reexamine your self-view, and change it. This is a key to healing.”
Adapted from When Your Parent Is a Narcissist
In-depth support for the most intense period of recovery - the first 30 days. View yourself through the lens of recovery while deepening your knowledge of narcissism to keep it from manipulating your life.
