Singer-songwriter Aimee Mann gets it. About narcissism.
This from her interview on npr today:
“I’m fascinated by charming people,” Mann says. “They’re fun to be around, they’re entertaining, they pay attention to you. They’re a glorious addition to any group, until you spend a certain amount of time with them and start to realize that it’s essentially a construction. But I totally buy into it. I think ‘charmer’ is just another word for ‘narcissist.’
There is a song called, “Charmer.” Need I say more?
Except…I will be getting her new album!
I recently wrote about narcissism for Jane Boursaws television and movie online magazine Reel Life With Jane. I noted in the piece that, “when it comes to the creative process of character development in movies, books, even shorter pieces, it’s interesting that the more extreme the personality, the better. In real life, however, this is most definitely not the case.”
I wrote that, I didn’t know of many (or anyone, for that matter), who “consciously [sought] out this type of person for a relationship — romantic, work or otherwise. However, put a well-crafted, well-written narcissistic character (as a fictional character, that is; the nonfiction ones are just bores!) on television or in a movie (I am not talking about reality shows, either), and we’re intrigued, mesmerized, and sucked in (without actually being chewed up and spit out!).”
Read the entire piece by CLICKING HERE.
Codependency, a term coined by recovery writer Melody Beattie more than two decades ago, is an issue worth considering when discussing narcissism.
Beattie wrote her first book, Codependent No More, back in the 1980s. It was one of the first to really look at the near symbiotic relationship that very often occurs with an alcoholic and his/her spouse, for example. But instead of only looking at it as though the alcoholic had all the issues, it shone the light on the characteristics–needs and issues of those in relationships with them. Their relationships were often troubling, traumatic, high-drama, and comic/tragic, and chronic with problems/rife with stress–but the other person could not seem to get out of it, or wanted to!
Wikipedia does a nice job of explaining it this way (click here for link to entire entry):
The term codependent originated as a way to describe people who use relationships with others as their sole source of value and identity. It ‘comes directly out of Alcoholics Anonymous, part of a dawning realization that the problem was not solely the addict, but also the family and friends who constitute a network for the alcoholic’.Codependents often end up in relationships with drug (including alcohol) addicted spouses or lovers. In the book, Beattie explains that a codependent is a person who believes their happiness is derived from other people or one person in particular, and eventually the codependent becomes obsessed with controlling the behavior of the people/person that they believe is making them happy.
Another book of Beattie’s that I love is The Language of Letting Go. It’s a daily reader that addresses many of the icky emotions we have likely felt as a result of dealing with a person with narcissism. While some of the entries address addictions of the other person, one will quickly see that substituting the words “narcissist” or “narcissism” works seamlessly.
Trapped in the Mirror, by Elan Golomb, PhD, is part memoir, part clinical dissection/observation of life with a narcissistic parent, and also an examination of clinical work with patients who have stuggled with narcissists in their life. This book is among my favorite books on the topic of narcissism and its damaging effect; I’ve read it over and over. It’s the one that broke the code for me, or as one might say, gave me my first “a-ha” moment about the “phenomodisease.”
“Narcissists—you can’t leave them, it’s nearly impossible to love them, and you feel like you want to pull your hair out whenever you’re around them.”
So begins Anne-Marie Bartok’s article over at AgingCare.com, “A Caregiver’s Guide to Caring for a Narcissist.” Bartok interviewed me for her piece, after reading my post on PsychologyToday.com titled “When Your Parent is a Narcissist”
Click the links if you’re a caregiver caring for a parent or someone else who is narcissistic.