My books have helped thousands to step back, and away, from the damaging effects of a narcissistic person, whether it’s a present-day relationship or one that has haunted them from the past. Now, they may help you, too.

Narcissist ruining your life?

Maybe you love one. Or work for one. Maybe you’re related to one. Or were raised by one. Whatever the relationship, you’ve likely been hurt by the narcissist in your life.

Perhaps one of the more challenging things we want to do is to cultivate compassion for the narcissist. Substituting the word acceptance for compassion can be of great help as we grow accustomed to the concept. Be willing to try this.

The beauty of compassion and acceptance is this: it neutralizes the attachment you feel to the n, to the pain and the hurt of the relationship. If we stop throwing energy at the hurt and pain (and narcissist, even simply by continuing to fume about what happened), the power of the pain slowly fades.

Adapted from Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved 

“The only time the narcissist parent does see the child’s value is when the child is working to “create” the parent. In other words, to give the parent an identity that is pleasing to the parent. But what is deemed pleasing to the narcissist parent is constantly shape-shifting, because the external world is forever in flux and their internal world lacks definition (which is an ongoing problem when you are someone who derives their identity from the outside, not the inside). Their internal self is extremely undeveloped and wounded, despite their caustic, controlled, polished, charming, or manipulative exterior.”

From When Your Parent Is a Narcissist

In an article featured on Business Insider, Shana Lebowitz asserts that while displays of narcissism can be varied, there are five hallmark traits typically seen in true narcissists, such as a lack of empathy.

“…the No. 1 sign of narcissism is an absence of interest in other people and an inability to feel for them.

For example, a narcissist might lose interest in group conversations when they’re no longer about them, or feel completely indifferent when people talk to them about their emotions and issues they’re struggling with. That makes it virtually impossible to develop a deep connection with anyone.”

Read the article here

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT uses the Greek myth of Narcissus and Echo to illustrate the difficulties of a narcissistic relationship. In the blog post featured on Psychology Today titled “The Heartbreak of Relationships With Narcissists” Lancer writes:

“Narcissus and Echo were tragic Greek characters in a story told by the Roman poet, Ovid, in Metamorphoses. This poignant myth crystallizes the problem of relationships with narcissists. Sadly, both partners are locked into a painful drama, where neither feel satisfied or sufficiently loved. Although it’s anguish for both of them, the narcissist blames the cause on his or her partner and sees him or herself as irreproachable. And all too often, his or her partner readily agrees.”

Read the rest here

Publisher’s Weekly has listed the top selling self-help books of 2017-2018. From mindfulness to creative self-discovery to women’s empowerment, Catherine LaSota details the increase in the genre’s popularity and upcoming self-help trends for the new year. 

Check out “All the Feels: Self-Help Books 2017–2018” here

In an article from The New York Times, Jonah Engel Bromwich interviews comedy writer Megan Ganz, who asked for and received an apology from her former boss, Dan Harmon. Harmon abused his position of power to harass and mistreat Ganz after she rejected his romantic advances. Ganz says:

“The most important part of the apology was its specificity. He gave a complete account of what he did. Not the salacious details that people focus on — was it in a bar? what time? who was there? — but the ugly little realities. He knew that I didn’t welcome his advances. He did it anyway…The irony is, Dan was the only person who could wipe those doubts from my head. That’s why I was able to accept his apology. Because I felt vindicated, to others but more importantly to myself.”

Read the entire interview here

A Counterintuitive Approach to Narcissism: Empathy, Forgiveness, or Something Else?

Forgiving does not mean forgetting what happened. But coming to a place of forgiving can allow us to remember the incident without being at the mercy of our own anger, pain, anxiety and rage about it. Instead, the release of the emotions surrounding the incident (or pattern of incidences) actually strengthens us because we are no longer using our own energy to remember, relive and rehash the hurt. We actually want to remember the essence of what happened, so we don’t find ourselves making the same mistakes and getting stuck over and over again. 

How do you forgive someone who has hurt you to the core?

The word forgiveness is laden with emotion. When someone has hurt us, the last thing we are eager to do is to forgive them even though, intellectually, we know that forgiveness does not mean condoning the hurt/pain/humiliation/devastation. Then we tell ourselves that we have a choice as to how we feel, that we need to think differently about it! But, alas, we can’t seem to see the situation any differently. We are still hurt, and mad.

Forgiveness too much? Start with this instead

Perhaps, for the moment, instead of trying so very hard to forgive, the key is to simply accept. Accept that the incident happened, the relationship happened, the pain happened.  Acceptance (like forgiveness) doesn’t mean we like it, love it, want it, wished for it or approved of it (it being that which hurt us), but it does signal that we acknowledge that it happened.

Adapted from Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved

In an article from The Cut titled “Using Anger-Management Techniques to Cope With 2017” Eliza McCarthy describes how to effectively utilize anger-management therapy techniques. McCarthy writes:

“It wasn’t that I wanted to get rid of anger, necessarily. I just wanted to be better at being angry — more comfortable with the emotion, more prepared to handle it. As it turned out, that’s a tenet of anger management, too: that anger is not something to eliminate, just something to, well, manage. After all, it can have some positive effects…”

Read the article here

In an article from Time Magazine titled “4 Ways to Become Stress-Free Just About Anywhere” writer Eric Baker explores several, unconventional but scientifically backed-up ways to alleviate stress. Baker writes:

“…There are some great methods to train your mind to reduce stress…But they take work. And right now you’re too stressed out for any of that…So we need some stuff that’s diabolically easy and backed by neuroscience research — but let’s keep the emphasis on diabolical. If your brain won’t play fair, neither will we….Time to do an end run around your brain’s stress response and exploit physiology to trick it into calming down…”

Read the article here

Step outside! A has determined that observing nature can make us feel happier. In an article on Medical News Today,

“If you see some blades of grass unexpectedly emerging from among the train tracks, or if your potted lavender plant has just bloomed, give yourself a moment to take it in, and notice how it makes you feel. Observing nature — wherever you may be — will make you feel happier, researchers say.”

Read the article here

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